Perfection in His timing

I have spent many an hour wondering what God has in store for my life.  I've worried that my greatest desires would always be just beyond my reach.  I remember the anxiety and pain that I felt when Randall and I were first married.  I struggled with wanting to have children and every month realizing it wasn't going to happen and then having a miscarriage once I was pregnant.  I remember wondering if I was ever going to be able to hold my own child in my arms.  And do you know what happened?  One month later I was pregnant again and eight months later we had our amazing son Ashton only to be followed by Jenna and Shiloh and now baby #4.  But in hind sight I can say that the trials we endured to have them all have only made our love and compassion that much sweeter.

For 8 years we have lived with and cared for Randall's grandfather.  There were times that I seriously thought I was the one loosing my mind.  But there were also just as many times that my soul smiled when beautiful things happened.  Shiloh loves grandpa and spends more time with him than either of my other children do.  She asks him to swing her in the backyard.  The man stood there and pushed her for two hours!  She loves to crawl in his lap and take a nap with him when he's snoozing in his recliner. And she loves to play catch with him and her squishy nerf balls.  These moments have made me smile.  And they also make me wonder if we needed to be here after all these years so that she could develop a relationship with her great-grandpa.

At Thanksgiving, we had been praying about what to do since Randall was laid off.  We truly felt like moving to North Dakota was our only and best option.  So, we dove in to trying to arrange all the details and get things set up on the other end so that everything would go smoothly.  But, things kept falling through and when things seemed the bleakest just before Christmas, Randall received a phone call that changed everything.  It was a permanent full-time job offer from a company that had previously laid him off.  With the new job under his belt, I wanted to test the waters...

I knew we needed to be in our own space in order to have room for baby #4.  I scoured classified, talked to people and friends and determined that rent was way out of our price range here.  But, the crazy thing was if we could qualify for a loan, our mortgage would be half of what the going rate for rent is here.  Seriously?!?  So I started to look at the houses for sale in our area.  I found about 20 that were in a price range that I thought we'd be able to carry a mortgage on.  But, I also knew that banks had really reined in what and who they would qualify for a loan for awhile now.  So I honestly didn't think we would qualify for anything.  With butterflies in my stomach, I called the bank.  Ten minutes of questions later, I was staring at my inbox at a letter from the bank saying that we pre-qualified and could take our letter to the Realtor and buy a house.  I couldn't believe it.  But then waves of excitement hit me and the very next day I drove around with the kids and looked at potential properties.  And the day after that, we took Randall around and narrowed our search down to 6.  We called our Realtor and made appointments and found a move in ready home with a really great kitchen.  Today, we'll be submitting our offer.  And after almost 11 years of being married and moving around and living in someone else's house, we could actually be home owners.

So, I'm beginning to understand that God's timing is perfect.  This home that could be ours, we wouldn't have been able to afford when the market was better.  All the growing up that I needed to do, probably wouldn't have come so easily if our experiences and our choices to follow personal revelation were any different than they were.  While many of my friends and family can attest, I hated living in limbo, I have found healing in relationships I thought would always be fractured.  I have found a true love of myself that I didn't think would ever come.  And I have found joy in even the most painful and darkest of circumstances.  Yes, my Heavenly Father has used this incubation time to mold me into a much better person than I was 11 years ago.  I'm far from perfect, but with His love I think I'm getting closer.

Christmas Recap

Do you remember my Christmas to-do list?  Well, I thought I'd give you an update of how it all turned out.


Here's what my original to-do list and what it morphed into.


1 dolly made from mis-mate socks did not happen- was for Shiloh, who loved more than anything her $1 set of water colors.


1 blue linus blanket from the yarn stash (almost done btw) finished and Jenna is currently using it on her bed


2 ruffled fabric scarves for Anne and Belle became two pieces of art.  A horse for Anne and a lighthouse for Belle.

3 fleece beanies  these were for Ashton, Chris, and Jason.  It didn't happen.  Ashton instead got a video game we found on super sale, Chris got a large bag of M&Ms and Jason got a quart of home canned jalapenos since he's not a spicy food officianado.


2 large works of art (made by yours truly) these I remarkable pulled out at the last minute finishing them Christmas Eve.  One for my M-I-L and the other my my own mom.  Then one for my mom will grace my home until she is moved into her new digs in South Dakota in a few weeks.


I also added another piece of artwork at the last minute to my list.  Randall's step-mom, Cheryl, had been away caring for her mother and was not planning on us being able to visit them in NC.  But, as it turned out, her mother quietly slipped onto the other side of the veil just before Christmas and that meant we were able to spend a few days with them just before Christmas.  So, for them I made a painting of the ocean, one of Cheryl's favorite places to be.


And all of this without pictures.  I need to be better about that.  But, I think what warmed my heart this year was the comment Jenna made after what few presents we pulled together for them were all opened Christmas morning.  She said, "Oh , mom!  This was the BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!!!".  I couldn't say it any better myself.

To say that these last six weeks have been an emotional roller coaster is an understatement.  But, what's more extreme than a roller coaster? A hurricane? A tsunami?  I feel myself slipping into the deep end some days.  I can't see how there could be a miracle coming out of all this.  And feel like questioning what God's plan for me and my family is.  We're standing at a crossroad, or maybe it's more like a fork.  We have two very possible plans for the future.  Job and house here, job and house there and everything hinges on being patient and waiting for someone else to make up their mind before we can follow through and put things into action.  You see, we had decided to move to North Dakota.  Randall can make double the pay he was making here and we could finally afford the house that we need for our family.  And almost as soon as we decided that moving would be our best and only option, a job opportunity here popped up.  And the pay is the similar to what he'd make there.  So, he applied.  It seems like he's a shoe in for it, but we have to wait for the man hiring to go through the applications and choose his candidates.  Which could take a while as the job won't even start until January, so it's not it the urgent pile.  So, we've mapped out on paper, what we'd do if we stay here and what we'd do should we be going elsewhere. And now, were just twiddling our thumbs waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop.

Now, my hubs can attest to this, waiting for anything is not my forte.  I hate waiting for even water to boil.  So, my emotions run the gambit from day to day.  I dream about "life A" and I dream about "life B" and I wonder what the Lord has instore for us.  Either way, we'll be moving so I've been packing and praying and hoping that my body won't give out and land me on bed rest for weeks on end with this pregnancy.  Yesterday I packed five boxes, did 3 loads of laundry and took out the trash and by lunch time I had searing pain in my belly and was down for the rest of the day.  So, today is cleaning grandpa's bathroom and doing his laundry and I've enlisted  3 strong children to help with the work...See, I'm learning...I have to give it to them, they buckle down and get to work when it's time; which might be the only way I'm going to make it this time.

Through out the day, I've been praying for peace to enter my heart.  Praying for the stress to melt away and what keeps echoing in my head is the quote "Come what may, and Love it!"  So, right now I'm choosing to find joy in the moment.  I can't control the future, no matter how much I wish that I could.

Christmas just got an extra dose of Christ

I'm sure you probably figured that Christmas this year for our growing family is going to be much different than ever before.  We've never had oodles of money so our tree has never been gorged with presents, but we've always managed to buy a few less expensive items on the kids Christmas lists just in time to surprise then Christmas morning.  But, this year, the number on the bank account summary just dwindles with no income in sight.  It's left me grasping for other options for Christmas this year.  Buying anything from the store would put us in a bind and prices no matter how "new" and "low" they are, really add up.  We typically spend about $50 a kid and about $80 on ourselves, including stocking stuffers.  But, as sad as it is to say, we don't have $310 to spend on gifts and that's just with us, that 's not all the extended family here, too.

So, all this to say, I'm initiating an old fashioned Christmas.  A "Christ"mas if you will.  Nothing can be store bought.  Just giving at it's most natural and simplest form.  It all has to be hand made from items around the house and in the garage.  I think my fabric stash and yarn stash are going to get hit pretty hard this year, but what's a years supply of craft items worth if you can't dig into them every once in a while!

Here's what my to-do list looks like this year.
1 dolly made from mis-mate socks
1 blue linus blanket from the yarn stash (almost done btw)
2 ruffled fabric scarves
3 fleece beanies
2 large works of art (made by yours truly)

I'm sure that when I tell the kids all this today, my list will grow exponentially with all the projects I'll be ask to "help" with, too.  But, I'm excited.  It's a challenge that I think might just wake up my creative juices.  They've been hibernating while i whined about Christmas being here already.

Sisterhood

Ya know, when life throws you for a loop, my most common reaction is to hold it in and go it alone.  I don't want to impose on others or listen to the potential whispers in the halls at church or have that common southern phrase be used in reference to me.  You know it..."Bless her heart, she's to poor to remove that toilet paper from her shoe, she might need it later."

So, I was at our ward Relief Society meeting on Thursday and all my emotions, fears and prayers just bubbled to the top and in an epic emotional spewfest I told anyone who would listen how I was struggling.  I couldn't help it.  Call it hormones or call it the spirit moving me to share, but it happened.  And do you know what happened?  They put their arms around me and blessed me so abundantly.  A dear friend of mine took me home with her that night and gave me six bags full of groceries, plus an extra turkey she had bought on sale.  I ran out of Vitamin B to keep my nausea at bay and another sister brought me two bottles, which by the way is enough to last my whole pregnancy and then some!  But, apart from the physical needs they rallied around and shared with me their stories of times when they had gone through similar things and then testified that there is a way out, God never leaves us comfortless and will always provide a way for things to happen.  He never allows his children to be tried more than they can bear.

And now as I sit here reliving those feelings of friendship and sisterhood, I can't help but remember the scriptures from the book of James in the bible when he speaks of pure religion and what it really means to be a disciple of Christ.  I think that any time I read those verses, the memory of that relief society meeting and the faces of those sisters who put their arms around me will be forever ingrained in my memory.

Ties that bind

I made three loaves of bread today.  It's become my ritual.  2-3 times a week I make another batch to get us through a few more days.  But, our flour reserve is running low and i'm unsure how much more I can make.  But, today I have three loaves.

It's something I'm actually enjoying.  As I pour the flour in the bowl, I'm always transported to my childhood.  Growing up, we didn't have much, but I remember my mom always making bread and I remember getting a warm slice and buttering it and putting some jam on it.  It was always a treat.  As I kneed the dough, I think of all the women who have come before me in my family who had to make bread for their kids when there weren't stores.  Whenever Grandpa Bud sees me pull out those loaves of bread he says, "Looks like you've been busy.  I don't know how you get it all done, everything you do.  Ya know, my mom always made bread when I was growing up.  We used to hang around the kitchen and wait for the bread to come out of the oven.  The lucky ones got the end of the loaf.  It was a bigger piece of bread you know.  My mamma was a small woman but she was hard as nails..."(every time, never fails)  It usually grates on my nerves hearing the same stories over and over, but today I just smiled.  I could see her in her kitchen with her wood burning stove, her apron safety pined to her shirt and flour in her mussed hair.  Her time worn hands doing what they've always known to do to keep her family well fed.

I feel like my life has come full circle.  Eight years ago we moved here to help out after Norma passed away.  We felt so strongly that this is where the Lord wanted and needed us in his vineyard.  I remember trying to convince grandpa that he really didn't need to wash and reuse every piece of foil and every plastic bag, there wasn't any shortage.  But, today I found myself washing and reusing 3 plastic ziplock bags to put the bread in the freezer.  I used to think he was crazy for doing stuff like that, but now I can see the wisdom in the old adage Use it up, Wear it out, Make it do or do without.

Well, baby #4 has finally relieved me of the constant nausea.  I think it helps that I started taking my prenatal vitamins at night along with an extra dose of vitamin B.  But, although physically I'm feeling better, my heart aches and I worry for the future.  Randall was laid off for the second time in two months at the beginning of November.  I love spending time with him, but I wish we could at least find answers to all the prayers.  Actually, I have a confession.  Today was the first time since Randall's layoff that I actually got on my knees and prayed.  I told Randall that I felt bitter, but I think it's more like I felt like "what's the point?".  I pray and he gets laid off, I pray and money stops, I pray and we eat beans and rice and even butter and milk are out of our price range.  So, I felt like it didn't do any good; like my words were falling on deaf ears.  So I stopped; no prayers, no worship, nothing.  Well, I say nothing, but I did participate in family scripture study and I helped my children say their prayers, but there wasn't anything personal going up to heaven from me.

But, this morning, I woke up to a quite house.  The first glow of day shining through my bedroom window and my first thought was we need a miracle.  And then I thought maybe all this has happened (baby #4, almost no food, no money....) in order for Him to prove to our family the He is a god of miracles.  That He is still there and does hear, but that maybe the answer is He is preparing us as a vehicle to perform miracles in the lives of my children and anyone that we may come in contact with over the next few years and throughout our lives.

On Sunday, all the talks in church were about enduring.  Not just enduring for a moment, but eternally and patiently.  And yes, I got it, loud and clear.  He was speaking directly to me.  I cried the whole time.  Maybe it's because I'm pregnant, but I think not.  He touched my spirit; spoke directly to me through countless scriptures.  So, this morning, in the stillness, I prayed.  I prayed for this man I love, I prayed for my babies to be feed, I prayed for our direction to be made clear and I got up and went to work.  I did the dishes that I hadn't managed to get to in days, I swept the kitchen, got Grandpa Bud ready for his doctors appointment, made hot chocolate for my kids from the last dregs left from last Christmas and did what I could to show my Heavenly Father that I am grateful for what He has provided for us.  We still have a roof over our heads, central heat and air, beds for everyone with blankets to spare, dishes, soap, HOT water, flushing toilets, telephones, fridgerator, car, books to read, clothes, toys, some food storage- beans, wheat, tomatoes and green beans, and most importantly we have each other.